Sunday, 11 May 2014

My Mum Is My Bully

I've had so much trouble writing this post, not to type but just to piece it all together from what floats around my head.
You see, ever since I was a teen, I've been put down and belittled by my own mother. Shouldn't this one female be my role model and someone I should inspire to be? She is anything but. The sad thing is, until recently I thought I was alone with this problem, but since I've started blogging, it's a lot more common than I thought. People have often commented that it was most likely the way they were brought up. To me, that is no excuse. I have had the nasty comments and cruel jibes but I would never dream of saying the same things to my three daughters. I did get the occasional compliment but those were always backhanded. 'You are pretty for a girl that's fat' or after visiting a friend 'you would be as pretty as her if you lost your weight'. Thanks!
To me it stings a little more that I'm an adopted child. I didn't ask to be chosen by my parents, they chose me. Did I turn out the wrong way? Was being fat really that terrible?  Maybe there's lack of maternal mothering due to not being able to have a child naturally. To this day I still get remarks. I'm a grown woman, 32 with 3 beautiful daughters. Why do I still get put down? The only difference now is that I don't listen. I'm more than just a fatty. She might have it in her head that it's tough love and it will make a difference. If anything it was probably the cause. I'm an emotional eater. Back when I was 13, having to witness domestic violence, stress of school/friendships AND being put down by my parents was just another cruel blow that life threw at me. As you can imagine, my confidence was at its lowest. 'You're just a child, wait until you experience real life' is one thing that I was told. Great.
I fell in love, had a child, things messed up and I was a single parent. Another thing that made me a disappointment  And I was fat. Doh!
Years passed, another child and another failed relationship added to the fact I lost my dad to suicide, meant I was alone with my kids and my mums digs. My home wasn't tidy enough, I didn't do enough and I couldn't possibly be happy being fat. Dating anyone bought a load of wonderful questions from my mum. 'Oh, is he into fat girls?' 'What does he say about your weight?' Well who would fancy a fat girl?! Luckily I fell in love with my soulmate. He has boosted my confidence and made me realise that anything negative my mother has to say, is a load of crap.
It's hard when you see posts on social media sites of girls and their mums, someone they admire and have fun with. I don't feel this even though times are not always bad in her company, she's just managed to grind me down to a point where I feel no warmth towards her. No one befriends their own bully. But like I said, I've found I'm not alone. Just because we were and still are put down for being fat, doesn't mean us girls are any less beautiful. I think we are more so as we have had to prove it to ourselves twice as hard. She has on occasion, remarked negativity to my kids but I won't allow it. Luckily they don't listen as they have seen the impact her words have had on me. I will never stop telling my daughters they are beautiful both inside and out. Something I never had.