I've had so much trouble writing this post, not to type but just to piece it all together from what floats around my head.
You see, ever since I was a teen, I've been put down and belittled by my own mother. Shouldn't this one female be my role model and someone I should inspire to be? She is anything but. The sad thing is, until recently I thought I was alone with this problem, but since I've started blogging, it's a lot more common than I thought. People have often commented that it was most likely the way they were brought up. To me, that is no excuse. I have had the nasty comments and cruel jibes but I would never dream of saying the same things to my three daughters. I did get the occasional compliment but those were always backhanded. 'You are pretty for a girl that's fat' or after visiting a friend 'you would be as pretty as her if you lost your weight'. Thanks!
To me it stings a little more that I'm an adopted child. I didn't ask to be chosen by my parents, they chose me. Did I turn out the wrong way? Was being fat really that terrible? Maybe there's lack of maternal mothering due to not being able to have a child naturally. To this day I still get remarks. I'm a grown woman, 32 with 3 beautiful daughters. Why do I still get put down? The only difference now is that I don't listen. I'm more than just a fatty. She might have it in her head that it's tough love and it will make a difference. If anything it was probably the cause. I'm an emotional eater. Back when I was 13, having to witness domestic violence, stress of school/friendships AND being put down by my parents was just another cruel blow that life threw at me. As you can imagine, my confidence was at its lowest. 'You're just a child, wait until you experience real life' is one thing that I was told. Great.
I fell in love, had a child, things messed up and I was a single parent. Another thing that made me a disappointment And I was fat. Doh!
Years passed, another child and another failed relationship added to the fact I lost my dad to suicide, meant I was alone with my kids and my mums digs. My home wasn't tidy enough, I didn't do enough and I couldn't possibly be happy being fat. Dating anyone bought a load of wonderful questions from my mum. 'Oh, is he into fat girls?' 'What does he say about your weight?' Well who would fancy a fat girl?! Luckily I fell in love with my soulmate. He has boosted my confidence and made me realise that anything negative my mother has to say, is a load of crap.
It's hard when you see posts on social media sites of girls and their mums, someone they admire and have fun with. I don't feel this even though times are not always bad in her company, she's just managed to grind me down to a point where I feel no warmth towards her. No one befriends their own bully. But like I said, I've found I'm not alone. Just because we were and still are put down for being fat, doesn't mean us girls are any less beautiful. I think we are more so as we have had to prove it to ourselves twice as hard. She has on occasion, remarked negativity to my kids but I won't allow it. Luckily they don't listen as they have seen the impact her words have had on me. I will never stop telling my daughters they are beautiful both inside and out. Something I never had.